Dear Sunset’s Savor the Central Coast Organizers:
Now that the shock of the event has worn off a bit and my sulfite levels are returning to normal, I have a few bones to pick with you. I may be a bit of a rookie when it comes to full-blown press tours, but I didn’t just fall off the turnip truck either. I’ve been in this business for a few minutes now, and I have a pretty good idea of how these jaunts are supposed to pan-out for media teams. This just didn’t cut it.
Let’s start with Day One. After consulting the detailed itinerary you sent us in advance of the trip, we made our way to Morro Bay for a private paddle boarding tour with a really hot surfer-dude named Matt from Central Coast Stand Up Paddle Boarding. You can only imagine what a drag that was. Harbor seals bobbed their heads up to say hello, water fowl dove for their breakfast, breaking the glass-like surface of the Estuary. No one took to the drink and meanwhile, back in Paso, the television in our hotel room remained dark and quiet as we missed precious hours of daytime programming. I’m still feeling pangs of regret.
After our paddle boarding “sesh” with Matt, we got this big, over blown greeting from Chef Kirk and “Bitches” at Miss Lola’s South Side Grill. We were soon joined by Mr. Know-it-all Oyster Farmer, Neal Maloney, who was about as cute as they come. He taught us a thing or two about shucking (no, that’s not a euphemism), and we enjoyed more oysters. We switched to wine (when in Rome…) and had a gorgeous grilled pear salad, more oysters, and maybe a smidge more wine. We finished off the meal with a slice of the most heavenly chocolate cake I’ve ever planted my face in. The two and a half hours we sat there, stuffing ourselves was pure torture. We couldn’t wait to leave.
After a shower and a nap back at the hotel, we braced ourselves for the big kick-off event at Hearst Castle. Puh-lease. An elegant, candlelit, tapas-dinner perfectly paired with local wine? Where have you been for the last five years? A kick-off event is supposed to be full of messy drunks, long lines, and bland, lukewarm food. Instead, you gave us breath-taking views, the best local fare, brand new Infinity cars to zip us up and down the hill in style, and a crowd of well-mannered, interesting folks. What’s the deal, Sunset?
Now this is where things get really disappointing. The next morning, we took an air-conditioned tour bus to First Crush, where I hopped on a tractor with Lowell, grape-stomped with Sara Shneider, wine editor for Sunset Magazine, and had a gourmet lunch catered by those food geniuses over at Thomas Hill Organics. Lunch included more wine, of course. Punch-drunk and sated, we were bussed back to Paso where we fell into our cushy beds at the Marriott (they give you 4 pillows each!) and snoozed until our next event. We can’t believe you subjected us to this type of cruelty!
That night, we attended The Sunset Western Wine Awards at Pismo Beach Pier. The perfect sunset over the Pacific Ocean was oh-so cliché. Add to that the convenient parking, generous pours, amazing food and another appearance by Chef Kirk and that Neal Maloney character and you’d think we’d had a pretty good night, right? I guess, if you’re into that sort of thing…
Ah, the Main Event…sounds like a Barbra Streisand movie, bad perm and all. We arrived to find that we had our own private Idaho in the centuries-old “Wells Fargo Building” at Santa Margarita Ranch. It was a scorching day, but the building was cool and comfortable. Other event attendees peered in through the windows looking distraught as they watched attentive staff members bring us snacks and bottled water. Then of course, you stuck me with Cat Cora, as if I was prepared for that. We talked soup and muppets. To top it all off, my next guest, Margo True, Sunset’s Food Editor, was a complete lush. Direct quote, “I’m HOT and I’ve had A LOT to drink!” All in all, cool, but hey, you get where this is heading.
Then, Neal showed up again. I think he was stalking me (Editor’s Note: A third party tends to think it was the other way around…). His oysters were roasting just outside, so I ate 1 or 5—you know—to be polite.
By this time, we were really ready to hit the road. But No!!! That darn itinerary indicated that we had to attend a sit down dinner at Paso Glow. The dishes prepared by Chef Jeffrey Scott and Chef Kevin Fryburger were truly amazing. Again, our wine-maker, Hans, kept it flowing at our Vina Robles table. Everyone goaded me into using the lapel pins as earrings and being the considerate celebrity that I am, I did.
So, there we were, Emily and I, in our hotel room, drinking a gorgeous 2007 Ortman Cuvee Eddy which Sara Shneider forked over in the parking lot of Paso Robles Inn at evening’s end. We were pretty exhausted and a bit perplexed: “We came all this way for that? Why?”
Oh, I know….BECAUSE WE LOVED EVERY SINGLE MINUTE OF IT! You had to know I was joking, right? Luckily, I’m a radio personality and a writer. I had to give up my dreams of being a TV star because a “Poker Face” is not a mask I wear well.
Thank you so, so much for everything you did to make Savor the Central Coast such a unique, invigorating, and once-in-a-lifetime experience. We hope our little company and show did you justice. Should you ever need us again, we’re just a phone call or an e-mail away. And, um, speaking of phone calls, does anyone have Neal Maloney’s cell number? His voicemail must not be working…
Editor’s Note: Neal Maloney changed his contact information shortly after the Savor the Central Coast Event. He refused to comment further on the matter.
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